For my birthday I am giving myself the present I don’t really want but I know I really need. Admitting and Accountability.
I have been writing this post in my head for months now. I know it was something I needed to write but I haven’t written in so long AND who really wants to admit something so embarrassing? I have admitted this to myself many times. But, just because you keep acknowledging you have a problem doesn’t get rid of that problem. Sometimes you have to bring it out into the light for others to know about as well.
I was asked to speak at a training for my work in Portland the other month and while there I had the pleasure of listening to the other speakers. One in particular said words I know wish had written down but the idea still echoes in my head. She said essentially if you want to know if you are addicted to something just look at how you spend your time. If it is the first thing you think about when you wake up and the first thing you want to do it might be a problem. She was talking about my enormous problem. Social media/my phone.
You guys, I TOTALLY spend way to much time on my phone. Like WAY to much time. It is the first thing I do when I open my eyes and it is the last thing I do before I close my eyes. I tell myself my job revolves a lot around social media and to some extent that is true. However it should not take the time to the degree that is does in my life. I am so embarrassed to even write this but it has gotten to the point I am on my phone so much that when my two year old talks to me he has to say “Mom, look at me in my eyes.” because he knows I am not fully paying attention. I hate this about myself so much. I say I need to stop being on my phone so much. I need to stop watching every instagram story and reading every fb article. I need to stop watching everything everyone else in my industry is doing. I have gotten to the place where I don’t even know how to just simply sit and be. As soon as I stop a moment from doing something like cleaning, or taking care of the kids, or even park my car I almost always pull out my phone and check stuff. I told you it is bad.
This isn’t a new thing for me. I have been struggling with this for years. But with the increase of platforms and different types of social media it has just gotten worse. One time I quit fb for a six months and it almost tanked my business because my business works on social media. So I just keep saying that like its an excuse. Saying, well I have to be on there or my business can’t run. That is so lame even I can’t stand when I say that.
I used to read. I loved to read. Now I only read when we travel. Unless you count the fb articles and millions of comments I read on articles. Reading the bible ,well yea that happens but not as often as it should and certainly not as much as it should. Yesterday my friend was talking to me about something that happened in the book of Ezekiel and she asked me if I read it and I said I had read it but a long time ago probably circa 9th grade and didn’t remember it. But, you know what to know what is trending on social media? No worries I got you covered. Like for real, it’s down right humiliating that the one person who loves me unconditionally and gave everything for me so I could have eternal life is at the bottom of my list.
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Luke 12:34
Maybe you wonder why I am writing this. Honestly I kind of wonder too. But, like everything in my I want to be real. When you see me talk about God on social media or in person it might seem like I got it together. You see us traveling around doing what God has called us to but you don’t see everything. So I just knew it was time I came clean. Not just with myself and my poor husband who is fully aware of my problem and loves me anyways, but with my friends and family. Also because I need accountability. This is my permission to you to ask me how I am doing to check up on me. If you want too. If you too are struggling with this issue and need accountability to please reach out we will start a fb group. Ok, totally kidding reach out and we can be accountable to each other, in other ways. But, hopefully you are not like me and are more like my one best friend who barely checks fb and has absolutely know idea when people had babies, got engaged, or changed their hair. She lives a very lonely life. KIDING she has lots of friends and guess what she keeps her house clean and has time for lots of other amazing stuff. Thankfully she loves me even though she has no idea why in the world I find social media so interesting.
Tomorrow I turn 29 and I have no idea how I will tackle this big obstacle standing in my way of going deeper with God and living fully intentionally in all aspects. I just know I need to start somewhere. I can’t keep telling the Lord I love him with all my heart and I do anything for him if I am not willing to give up things and sacrifice for him and certainly if I am not willing to put him first. He makes it pretty clear its not going to be easy. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. Luke 9:24
So I am guessing I am staring at the place I need to avoid more. And hey if you have ideas and things that have worked for you please share. I just know I need to pray and seek God about how to set good limits and refocus my life on what really matters. I just know I need way more time at the feet of Jesus and with my totally hot husband and my ever growing kids. I need more time reading good books and exercising my mind and way more time resting. I need to be living more intentionally, more kingdom minded.
Also can someone please tell my husband that there is such a thing as a golden birthday and that it totally means this is my golden birthday because I am turning 29 on the 29th. SO happy Golden birthday to me!