It’s weird to be writing here again. All my old posts are gone and I feel like I am starting right in the middle of the story. I had the best intentions of writing from the very beginning of our journey but for some reason I just didn’t. Several times I sat down by my computer and began to type things up but it just didn’t feel right. Now here we are 7 weeks into our new adventure and I am finally feeling like I need to write.
I want to give and update on what is going on here in Oregon and I want to tell those of you who are wondering why we are in Oregon all the nitty gritty details but that will have to come later. Because I need to share first that the real reason I know I am back here again in this small space in the internet is because God is wanting me to be here again. To share what he is teaching me. To write words I sometimes don’t understand.
The last few weeks there has been this undertow of peace flowing through me even during times when I have no earthly idea how I could be feeling that way living in a 300sqf camper, in a state where it rains every day, without a single mom friend to have play dates with. Instead God is speaking into my life in so many amazing, albeit crazy and hilarious ways. Just like he always does. Showing up in ways you least expect to see him. Through out all these things I feel God stirring something in me. Something that will be a big part of whatever is next for the Vargas Crew, all the while asking me not to miss what is happening here today in this very moment. I am so bad at that. I can seriously get so caught up in what is coming. The big things I see God making a very real possibility for us and miss out on the things he is doing here and now. The people he is putting right in front of me. The most unlikely of communities he is asking me to be a part of. I am both excited and scared by both of these things. I feel like I have no idea what am I doing most days and go to bed feeling like I have seriously fallen seriously short of where I should be everyday.
Yet, in all of this I feel him asking me to give it all up. All my ideas, all my plans, all my goals, all of my life. To say have it all. To do it his way. To not look to my own interests and to die to myself. I feel this stronger then ever that he is asking me to trust. I am so bad at this. Trust doesn’t come easy to me. I guess I am afraid he will ask me to do something to hard. Ask me to give up something to important. I don’t like not knowing what it means to say Anything Lord. I will do anything, go anywhere, give up anything you ask. But, yet I hear him calling me into that.
If god is really real and we are going to live with him forever, shouldn’t he be the only thing? shouldn’t he be the controlling force of our lives? if we really believe this… reading these words by Jennie Allen in her book Anything, coupled with Carlos’ and I conversations this week about our short time here on earth and heaven being our ultimate resting place. The reminder that putting anything else before God is an idol. Even my own family. These things are all racing through my mind and twisting up my heart. Making me want to search deeper in the word and know God more.
Today when I dropped Kai off in his class at church he was screaming and crying so hard. This was only the third time he has ever done that. The other two times being last Sunday and Wed night. Immediately I am overwhelmed with mom guilt. knowing that moving and all the transition is most likely the cause of why he suddenly, our most out going never afraid kid, is suddenly terrified to be left alone with out us or his siblings. I worry. I worry we are screwing up our kids. All this moving around. All this constant never staying for long in one place. I worry what this will mean for them in the future. I want to be brave for them and say it will all be fine we have each other and that God will take care of us. But in my head I second guess my own words. Still there is God asking me to open my hands, wide open, and let him have my kids lives. To trust him. To remember they belong to him. To remember he knows best. Even when it seems it isn’t best.
So I guess I am just here to say that this is where I am currently. Wrestling with the words God is speaking to my heart and trying to figure out what they really mean. What it really means to love God so much that it seems as though you hate your own family in comparison. To love God so much you will do anything, go anywhere, give up anything.
Large crowds were now traveling with Jesus, and He turned and said to them, 26“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters — yes, even his own life — he cannot be My disciple. 27And whoever does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple.…