My Birthday Present to Me

 

For my birthday I am giving myself the present I don’t really want but I know I really need. Admitting and Accountability.

I have been writing this post in my head for months now. I know it was something I needed to write but I haven’t written in so long AND who really wants to admit something so embarrassing? I have admitted this to myself many times. But, just because you keep acknowledging you have a problem doesn’t get rid of that problem. Sometimes you have to bring it out into the light for others to know about as well.

I was asked to speak at a training for my work in Portland the other month and while there I had the pleasure of listening to the other speakers. One in particular said words I know wish had written down but the idea still echoes in my head. She said essentially if you want to know if you are addicted to something just look at how you spend your time. If it is the first thing you think about when you wake up and the first thing you want to do it might be a problem. She was talking about my enormous problem. Social media/my phone.

 

 

You guys, I TOTALLY spend way to much time on my phone. Like WAY to much time. It is the first thing I do when I open my eyes and it is the last thing I do before I close my eyes. I tell myself my job revolves a lot around social media and to some extent that is true. However it should not take the time to the degree that is does in my life. I am so embarrassed to even write this but it has gotten to the point I am on my phone so much that when my two year old talks to me he has to say “Mom, look at me in my eyes.” because he knows I am not fully paying attention. I hate this about myself so much. I say I need to stop being on my phone so much. I need to stop watching every instagram story and reading every fb article. I need to stop watching everything everyone else in my industry is doing. I have gotten to the place where I don’t even know how to just simply sit and be. As soon as I stop a moment from doing something like cleaning, or taking care of the kids, or even park my car I almost always pull out my phone and check stuff. I told you it is bad.

This isn’t a new thing for me. I have been struggling with this for years. But with the increase of platforms and different types of social media it has just gotten worse. One time I quit fb for a six months and it almost tanked my business because my business works on social media. So I just keep saying that like its an excuse. Saying, well I have to be on there or my business can’t run. That is so lame even I can’t stand when I say that.

I used to read. I loved to read. Now I only read when we travel. Unless you count the fb articles and millions of comments I read on articles. Reading the bible ,well yea that happens but not as often as it should and certainly not as much as it should. Yesterday my friend was talking to me about something that happened in the book of Ezekiel and she asked me if I read it and I said I had read it but a long time ago probably circa 9th grade and didn’t remember it. But, you know what to know what is trending on social media? No worries I got you covered. Like for real, it’s down right humiliating that the one person who loves me unconditionally and gave everything for me so I could have eternal life is at the bottom of my list.

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Luke 12:34

 

 

Maybe you wonder why I am writing this. Honestly I kind of wonder too. But, like everything in my I want to be real. When you see me talk about God on social media or in person it might seem like I got it together. You see us traveling around doing what God has called us to but you don’t see everything. So I just knew it was time I came clean. Not just with myself and my poor husband who is fully aware of my problem and loves me anyways, but with my friends and family. Also because I need accountability. This is my permission to you to ask me how I am doing to check up on me. If you want too. If you too are struggling with this issue and need accountability to please reach out we will start a fb group. Ok, totally kidding reach out and we can be accountable to each other, in other ways. But, hopefully you are not like me and are more like my one best friend who barely checks fb and has absolutely know idea when people had babies, got engaged, or changed their hair. She lives a very lonely life. KIDING she has lots of friends and guess what she keeps her house clean and has time for lots of other amazing stuff. Thankfully she loves me even though she has no idea why in the world I find social media so interesting.

Tomorrow I turn 29 and I have no idea how I will tackle this big obstacle standing in my way of going deeper with God and living fully intentionally in all aspects. I just know I need to start somewhere. I can’t keep telling the Lord I love him with all my heart and I do anything for him if I am not willing to give up things and sacrifice for him and certainly if I am not willing to put him first. He makes it pretty clear its not going to be easy. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. Luke 9:24  

So I am guessing I am staring at the place I need to avoid more. And hey if you have ideas and things that have worked for you please share. I just know I need to pray and seek God about how to set good limits and refocus my life on what really matters. I just know I need way more time at the feet of Jesus and with my totally hot husband and my ever growing kids. I need more time reading good books and exercising my mind and way more time resting. I need to be living more intentionally, more kingdom minded.

Also can someone please tell my husband that there is such a thing as a golden birthday and that it totally means this is my golden birthday because I am turning 29 on the 29th. SO happy Golden birthday to me!

Praying Anything

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It’s weird to be writing here again. All my old posts are gone and I feel like I am starting right in the middle of the story. I had the best intentions of writing from the very beginning of our journey but for some reason I just didn’t. Several times I sat down by my computer and began to type things up but it just didn’t feel right. Now here we are 7 weeks into our new adventure and I am finally feeling like I need to write.

I want to give and update on what is going on here in Oregon and I want to tell those of you who are wondering why we are in Oregon all the nitty gritty details but that will have to come later. Because I need to share first that the real reason I know I am back here again in this small space in the internet is because God is wanting me to be here again. To share what he is teaching me. To write words I sometimes don’t understand.

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The last few weeks there has been this undertow of peace flowing through me even during times when I have no earthly idea how I could be feeling that way living in a 300sqf camper, in a state where it rains every day, without a single mom friend to have play dates with. Instead God is speaking into my life in so many amazing, albeit crazy and hilarious ways. Just like he always does. Showing up in ways you least expect to see him. Through out all these things I feel God stirring something in me. Something that will be a big part of whatever is next for the Vargas Crew, all the while asking me not to miss what is happening here today in this very moment. I am so bad at that. I can seriously get so caught up in what is coming. The big things I see God making a very real possibility for us and miss out on the things he is doing here and now. The people he is putting right in front of me. The most unlikely of communities he is asking me to be a part of.  I am both excited and scared by both of these things. I feel like I have no idea what am I doing most days and go to bed feeling like I have seriously fallen seriously short of where I should be everyday.

Yet, in all of this I feel him asking me to give it all up. All my ideas, all my plans, all my goals, all of my life. To say have it all. To do it his way. To not look to my own interests and to die to myself. I feel this stronger then ever that he is asking me to trust. I am so bad at this. Trust doesn’t come easy to me. I guess I am afraid he will ask me to do something to hard. Ask me to give up something to important. I don’t like not knowing what it means to say Anything Lord. I will do anything, go anywhere, give up anything you ask. But, yet I hear him calling me into that.

If god is really real and we are going to live with him forever, shouldn’t he be the only thing? shouldn’t he be the controlling force of our lives? if we really believe this… reading these words by Jennie Allen in her book Anything, coupled with Carlos’ and I conversations this week about our short time here on earth and heaven being our ultimate resting place. The reminder that putting anything else before God is an idol. Even my own family. These things are all racing through my mind and twisting up my heart. Making me want to search deeper in the word and know God more.

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Today when I dropped Kai off in his class at church he was screaming and crying so hard. This was only the third time he has ever done that. The other two times being last Sunday and Wed night. Immediately I am overwhelmed with mom guilt. knowing that moving and all the transition is most likely the cause of why he suddenly, our most out going never afraid kid, is suddenly terrified to be left alone with out us or his siblings. I worry. I worry we are screwing up our kids. All this moving around. All this constant never staying for long in one place. I worry what this will mean for them in the future. I want to be brave for them and say it will all be fine we have each other and that God will take care of us. But in my head I second guess my own words. Still there is God asking me to open my hands, wide open, and let him have my kids lives. To trust him. To remember they belong to him. To remember he knows best. Even when it seems it isn’t best.

So I guess I am just here to say that this is where I am currently. Wrestling with the words God is speaking to my heart and trying to figure out what they really mean. What it really means to love God so much that it seems as though you hate your own family in comparison. To love God so much you will do anything, go anywhere, give up anything.

Large crowds were now traveling with Jesus, and He turned and said to them, 26“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters — yes, even his own life — he cannot be My disciple. 27And whoever does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple.…

Luke 14-25-27